Here comes an entry a little heavier than my usual self. Training has been alright but there's just a constant gap in the team that I'm currently in. So many obstacles to overcome, so many trials to go through to prove myself. The upcoming trials will definitely test my mental ability. However, I don't know how far it will be stretched....
I'm afraid and a little frustrated by the fact that the same feeling of uncertainty has settled upon a bemused heart like mine.
It was during last October when I found out that a Sports team in TP was taking in new people. Bryan told me that the canoeing team was recruiting and I actually had a shot at entering. I was shocked. I heard the trials were mad crazy, with friends getting hellish bruises on their bodies during sit ups. I don't know if the pain and the mental torture was worth it because I don't know what's canoeing like. I have never actually seen a racing kayak (or even a bandit for that matter) before and I didn't know what to expect. I talked to some of the existing members the first one being Josh to find out more about what to expect and if there were trials this time round. But the one that gave me the most confidence was oddly Dion.
This was the first time in Polytechnic that I had the feeling of uncertainty (apart from tests and exams). I didn't know I could even take it because of my poor physical condition. Dion consoled me and assured me that I had a chance because the team convinced coach to remove the trials and allowed us to leave on our own accord during the consecutive trainings. I really felt that this was a shot for glory I could take and I went for the "Orientation" by the team. We played "medicine-ball rugby" and were briefed by coach for the first time.
I was mentally prepared for the challenges up ahead but a few other incidences caught me by surprise. I had a few misunderstandings with the team, but I gritted my teeth, thickened my skin and continued to push on. Though these misunderstandings did leave a scar in the relationship between me and the team, I believe we have moved on.
And then it came. Coach told us that the remainder, despite showing up for trainings, were only meant to be cut down to even lesser people. That was the second time the feeling struck me. My seat is not made of stone. In fact, it's made of sand that will be washed away by the moving water unless I continue to show my worth by building the seat higher. We had a sculling test which I didn't go so that didn't assure me a spot in the team (that's not concrete either.)
A few weeks later, there was something which I could hold on to, some confirmation. We had a 2.5km race, up to the 500m mark and back and a 300m or 500m sprint, I can't really remember which but I came in first for both. I was elated. Coach praised me and I was on cloud nine.
I knew I could remain in the team. I wouldn't be kicked, although I can't say the same based on my relationship with the team. There was no team spirit among the new intake and the previous one, there wasn't any solid team bonding. Honestly speaking, there really isn't any right now either.
Fast forward 4 months later, I am finally on a K-1 boat. I've endured some trainings (though it isn't all that tough from what I gathered from the seniors), I find out that the whole time, my batch was still on "Probation". Wow that kinda hit me like a bus. I knew that there will still be trials for the '09 intake. I, out of my own will, want to participate in the trials in order to prove my worth that I will
still be in the team despite my outcome. And because of that I will, train to the best of my ability not to throw the team's image away (which I have been doing so often as according to my seniors). Instead, I have to participate in the trials like any other and will be subjected to the same as the new intake- leaving the team if you can't make it through.
I respect the decision since it's by coach and I also am willing to prove my worth. I don't wanna be the kid who got the position because he's father is the CEO (You get my drift?). But it is unsettling all this while to be ridiculed and be told that it's not going to work, that I can't make it for 6 months and then the message reinforced during the trials. Boy oh boy, I know I am not going through much compared to other people but still my heart is heavy. Insecurity and the lack of confirmation thereof is a mental killer. You can literally dig through your whole body inside out just to get an answer and then be willing to roll over and die.
Can I make it? No, it should be "I
must make it". I heard that physical training can only prepare you so much, but my mentality pivots the outcome. I'll be stretched to my limit. Janice will be there, Charles will be there. I promise to support them as much as possible because we will be able to wear the "Temasek Polytechnic Team Canoeing" shirt with pride, because we earned it. It isn't only a shirt when you've been through toil and turmoil for it.

It says: "
The Difference Between A Successful Person And Others Is Not A Lack Of Strength, Not A Lack Of Knowledge, But Rather In A Lack Of Will"
Well, It's Go Time.
ZacKae out!